Who's Fooling Whom?
by Lifeasanamazon
Summary: He wasn’t renowned for his sensitivity, but this time, God this time, he wasn’t going to let her down.
1. part 1

Author: Angie

Email: AngieSuth@aol.com

Title: Who's Fooling Whom? 

Characters: Toby/CJ/general

Rating: PG and maybe more 

Summary: He wasn't renowned for his sensitivity, but this time, God _this_ time, he wasn't going to let her down.

Disclaimer: Not mine at all.

Spoilers: Assume through Season 4

Feedback: Always appreciated.

A/N: Follows on from "What Drives A Heart", but not a sequel in its truest sense as that was really written as a standalone. You just need to bear in mind what happened!

For Sarah who asked for it, was told that I didn't have time . . . so here is the first part. I am such a soft touch.

And Rhonda is my beta rock. Boy, are there times that I lean on her – even if she's not aware of it!

*

CJ leaned her head on her arms and let the desk take her weight. The only light in the room came from the slits in the partially opened blinds and she deliberately kept as still as she could. She didn't want any movement from within her office to catch the eyes of those outside it. They were heading to some bar or other – she wasn't sure where, she hadn't really been paying attention. Not like her. Well, not like how she was two weeks ago, before the strain of Zoey's kidnapping and subsequent events had thrown her off center.  It was all too similar to that time a year ago; that time when she, herself, had had a constant shadow. Only, her agent had been killed in a less sinister, though no less final manner. And now she wasn't herself . . . and nobody seemed to have noticed. And nobody seemed to care.

*

"Toby! I'm heading off. You coming with me?"  Josh paused at Toby's office door, bag slung over his shoulder.

"Are Will and CJ on their way too?" Toby didn't look up, but typed ferociously as he spoke.

"Will has to make a call. He'll meet us there. CJ left a while ago – I'm not sure if she's coming or not." Josh shrugged.

Toby hit save and closed his laptop. He grabbed his briefcase and switched off his desk lamp.  "Let's go, I could do with a drink." He stopped in the doorway. "Wait – I just need to check on something. I'll catch up with you."

Josh waved a hand over his shoulder and ambled out through the bull pen. 

Once Toby was sure he was alone, he strode purposefully and silently towards CJ's office, slowing as he approached and leaning to peer through the blinds without being observed. He saw her silhouette – the outline of her head and shoulders slumped down on the desk. He frowned, watching silently, until he saw her lift her head and run her hands through her hair. Then, satisfied that she wasn't ill, he crept away and ran to catch up with Josh.

*

Carol knocked on CJ's door and went in on the abrupt 'yes'.

"Here's your salad. Can I get you anything else?"

"No thanks, Carol. Close the door behind you, would you?"

Carol slid the styrofoam carton onto her boss's desk with a small smile, then left the room, closing the door as requested. When she turned round, she saw Toby standing there watching her.

"Don't you eat lunch together on a Thursday?"

Carol shrugged. "Yeah, if we can. But we haven't done for a couple of weeks now. She seems . . . I don't know . . . It's nothing."  Carol sat down and started to eat her own lunch.

Toby stared at the closed door, then turned and walked back to his own office.

*

"That's all, thank you." Leo dismissed the senior staff. "Hang on – are any of you interested in poker tomorrow evening? I'll organize some food if we decide to go ahead." Leo raised his eyebrows and saw Josh smile and Will nod enthusiastically. Toby glanced at CJ.

"CJ?"

"Uh, sorry, Leo – you guys go ahead without me."

An awkward silence followed.

CJ looked down at her hands.

"Actually, Leo," Toby cut in, "tomorrow's not good for me either. Can we make it another night?"

"Sure." Leo gave his two staffers a measured look. "We'll try again in a couple of weeks. Thank you, everyone."

Toby was careful to walk a few feet behind CJ on the way back from staff. She hadn't spoken to him - or any of them as far as he could see – voluntarily for some time, and he didn't want to make stilted conversation with her. He had been wracking his brains trying to pinpoint the start of her withdrawal and thus any possible cause of it. Deep in thought, he wandered past Donna's desk.

"Hey, Toby – Josh needs to know who coined the phrase 'band of brothers'. Don't ask – some infantile thing he has going with Amy – I don't know why he even thinks that he's going to get the better of her. . ."

"It's Shakespeare." Will came up behind Toby, who was standing open mouthed. 'Henry V', to be precise; 'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers', so Josh might be on solid ground just this once."

"That's it!" Toby headed straight for his office and closed the door firmly behind him.

Will looked at Donna. 

"You know that he knew that, don't you?" Donna smiled. "You know that Toby always knows things – he just lets you say it first sometimes."

Will sighed. "Sam told me it would be like that. You know – climbing to the summit, and finding him there already, just staring at you with that . . .that . . look in his eyes."

*

Toby sat at his desk, fingers splayed out on the wooden surface. Last year . . . that god-awful production of the 'Henrys' . . . the theater. Simon Donovan. A year ago exactly. He stood suddenly, pieces of the jigsaw slotting into place. The day that the twins had been born, the day of Zoey's kidnapping – CJ had watched him fall apart; she had kissed him and told him that her devotion . . . well he couldn't remember her exact words, he had been too overwrought. He had barely noticed the softness of her lips, only the comfort that they had brought him. Toby brought his hand up to his mouth, his fingers pressing gently against his lips in a faint facsimile of her gesture. It was Simon Donovan – it had to be. He sat back heavily in his chair. What to do? He didn't feel he could betray CJ by discussing his theory with anybody; he needed to come up with a way of making her feel better without alerting the rest of the staff. He wasn't renowned for his sensitivity, but this time, God _this_ time, he wasn't going to let her down.

Fingers steepled and thumbs pressing against his forehead, Toby thought back to the time of CJ's stalker. He felt ashamed of how he had handled the whole incident; it had taken Donna to get the gravity of the situation realized, and then when the agent had materialized, he had virtually ignored her, refusing to discuss her fears or her irritation. CJ was, then and now, fiercely independent and he had thought that she would have preferred to be treated as if nothing had changed. So that is what he had done. Only . . . he should have talked to her, acknowledged the closeness of their relationship, understood that she talked to him in a way that she didn't talk to the others; her father and his illness, - even the Qumar fiasco that he had judged so badly. The whole lead up to that time last year was her talking to him, allowing him access to her in a way that she never had before. And he had blown it. Pretended nothing had happened, watched her withdraw that closeness, watched her let another man protect her and make her feel beautiful and worthy of protection. Her 'band of brothers' just wanted their CJ to get on with it; handle them and their problems, make them laugh as she always knew how to do. Her father was falling apart, a madman was threatening her life and her colleagues didn't appear to give a damn. Donovan had protected her, cared for her in a way that Josh and Leo and Sam and Toby, above all Toby, had never managed. 

He closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his head. It was a year since Donovan had been killed and she had cried. And now she was crying all over again. Toby knew he had to do something.

*

CJ looked at her watch. She had called a full lid over an hour ago and she could easily have left for home not long after that. She just didn't seem to be able to summon up the energy to go back to her apartment for yet more of her own sad company. And, of course, while she was still in the office, there was always the chance she might catch a glimpse of Toby . . . Toby . . .

"CJ."

The object of her thoughts was standing in her doorway, briefcase in hand.

"Come on, we're going."

"Going? Where? Toby . . . what makes you think I'm ready to leave?" CJ stood stiffly by her desk.

"I don't think you think you're ready to leave. I know that I have decided that you are ready to leave and if you don't come quietly, I will have to have a word with who's really in charge around here . . ." He gave her a gentle smile and held out her jacket. "And I've heard that Gail gets real mean when she's angry."

CJ smiled wanly and ducked her head in reluctant agreement. "Okay, but that's not gonna work next time, you know. Gail already has ideas above her station from being worshipped by the men of the West Wing."

"And to think she's not even half as popular as her owner." Toby stared at CJ, who looked at him suspiciously.

"Whoa – hold on there, Toby. Where's the cream pie that usually follows that one?"

"No cream pie in the face, CJ. No cream pie." Toby placed his hand on his heart and watched her jaw drop. "Though I'm not necessarily saying that whipped cream doesn't look good on you . . ."

He watched her walk in front of him and out of the room. This was easier than he thought. And he was really enjoying it.

*

As Toby's car drew up outside CJ's apartment, she sighed. "You know . . ."

"I'm picking you up tomorrow – so don't even think about it!" he cut in.

"If you'd let me take my car . . . You are? Toby, when have you ever picked me up without a fight? I usually have to use a crowbar to pry the offer of a lift to work out of you!"

"Yeah, well . . . just don't tell the others. And don't tell the others that I cooked you dinner either." Toby looked at her. "Close your mouth, CJ. Not even whipped cream could make that your most attractive look. Uh uh – not that you aren't attractive all the time." He backtracked quickly. Damn. He'd gotten over confident and nearly blown it.

CJ smiled, then laughed. Laughed for the first time for two weeks. "Toby – I do believe you are being nice to me. 'Nice' and 'Toby'. Not words that sit all that comfortably together in an average day. Well," she caught her bottom lip between her teeth, "it's quite charming in a strange kind of way, I suppose."

"Oh, be quiet, CJ. You're . . . you're  . . . just being you . . ." Toby looked at her again and took a deep breath. "Which is the highest compliment I could pay you. Now get out of the car and find your keys – I need to strike while the mood is upon me. I'm a devil in the kitchen, I'll have you know!" And he got out of the car and fetched his grocery bags from the trunk, leaving CJ, stunned into silence, to open the door to her apartment.

tbc


	2. part two

Part 2 'Who's Fooling Whom?'

*

"So. What have we got then?" CJ watched Toby from her vantage point at the kitchen table. She was intrigued.

"Mussels." Toby rummaged in his bag.

"Mussels?"

"'Moules Mariniere' to be precise. And a rather nice bottle of Sancerre which made quite a big dent in my wallet, so I hope you appreciate it."

"I have to say I'm impressed. I didn't think Miss Julia Child stretched to French Cuisine." CJ placed the bowl of olives on the table and reached for two of her best wine glasses.

"CJ, most of her cooking is French Cuisine!"  Toby scowled at her as she popped an olive in her mouth.

Swallowing, she smiled and said, "Hey, it's not like I ever 'actually' watched her show."

"Well, in five minutes you are going to be impressed by the magic of microwave cooking. They come in these vacuum pack things. Five minutes and hey presto! I thought I told you I performed magic in the kitchen . . ."

CJ laughed. "I take it you didn't make the bread either?"

Toby just looked at her. "Would that have been before my meeting with Russell, or between Staff and the meeting with the Teachers' Union?"

He could hardly contain his relief and pleasure at their banter – it had been such a long time.  Two weeks was a long time to miss CJ, and he had missed her. He smiled broadly and the words were out of his mouth before he had time to stop them.       "I missed you."

CJ looked hard at him. "This is all very nice, Toby, and I'm not unappreciative but . .  hey – why mussels? I don't believe I've ever expressed a passion for them before?"

"I spoke to your Dad."

She almost choked on the second olive she'd filched from the bowl. "You spoke to my Dad? What the hell were you doing speaking to my father? Did he know who you were?"

Toby tried not to look smug, but failed miserably. "I rang the house and asked him what your favorite meal was, what I should make you if I really wanted to surprise you. And I'll have you know, he knew exactly who I was – I've known you a long time, CJ and your father and I have had many civilized conversations."

CJ looked down at the steaming dish in front of her and attempted to keep her voice from breaking. "He may have known who you were, Toby, but he didn't get it completely right. Mussels were my Mom's favorite meal, not mine. She's been dead a long time."

Toby blinked hard and cleared his throat. He could think of nothing to say. The trace of tears on CJ's face were evidence enough of her unhappiness, and he didn't know how to make it better. He stretched out his hand and ran his fingers gently over the knuckles of her clenched fist.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well . . let's eat while it's hot. It smells fantastic." CJ pulled her hand away quickly and set about eating the food in front of her.

They ate in companionable silence. The meal was simple and good and the wine classy enough for them both to enjoy it.

As Toby cleared the table, CJ took a long sip of her wine and considered him.

"You know, nice as this is, I can't help but be a little suspicious of the way you have been behaving today."

"What way would that be then?" Toby looked over his shoulder at her as he finished drying his hands.

"Oh . . . the lift home, the meal, the call to my Dad, the compliments. Actually, the compliments are the most unnerving thing. I think you need to tell me what is going on. This isn't normal behavior for you, Toby."

He sat down opposite her. "You're right. I hate to admit it, as you know, but you're right – this isn't normal behavior for me. But, I've been thinking . . . maybe I haven't been quite as good a friend to you as I could have been. You've been unhappy recently, CJ and I've only just noticed. I'm not sure if any of the others have – but I've noticed that you don't talk to us any more, you don't even talk to Carol. And you don't want to spend time with us. I think I know the reason, but I'm not going to push you. I just wanted to show you that I care, and if there is anyway that I can make you feel better, I will do my utmost to help." Toby looked down at his feet and tried to control the blush that he could feel spreading up through his beard.

One minute. Two minutes and counting. Silence.

CJ took a deep breath. "You think you know the reason? Well, I think I would like to know what you think. Go ahead."

Toby brought his eyes back up to her face and flinched at her pallor. He tapped his fingers on the table top, buying himself time while he worked out how to say what he wanted to say.

"I think it's Simon. I think it's the anniversary of Simon Donovan's murder, and you don't know how to deal with that. I think that Zoey being kidnapped and her agent being shot, on top of all the other stress, has wounded you in some way." He glanced at her and saw the same set expression on her face, then a flicker of anger. Anger? He plunged on to the crux of his argument. " You were in love with Simon Donovan and you haven't recovered from that. I want you to be happy, CJ. I can be sad enough for both of us."

A fist slammed on the table and she was up. "You just don't get it do you?" CJ's eyes shone with tears of rage. "I am unhappy – but it's not _Simon Donovan_!" She strode towards the window and then wheeled back to face him.

"I was interested in Simon – he was different. He was gorgeous. But I didn't _love_ him.  I cried because it was a horrible way to die, and it was a body blow after the relief of being free from my stalker. I liked the way he treated me – like a woman, an attractive woman at that. I don't get that anywhere else in my life and . . .and . . I had been willing to take a risk on a relationship with him. But I didn't love him, Toby." She covered her face with her hands and scraped at her tears. "Love is needing the other person, feeling incomplete without them; love is caring how they feel and being there for them; love is fighting with them but retaining respect for them, laughing with them, supporting them. I didn't know Simon Donovan well enough to love him, I was attracted to him. Not the same, Toby, not the same."

She sank back down into her chair, but didn't dare let herself look at him. "For the last four years, and however many years before that, we have been dancing around each other. If you don't know how I feel now, then I can't wait any longer. That's why I have been unhappy.   You're a fool to yourself, Toby. You could have had a woman who loved you completely years ago, but you never took the risk, never wanted to find out if she loved you, or you her. Who's fooling whom here?" CJ unclenched her fists and stretched her hands out on the table.  "And then you had the nerve to ask me if I knew how to love!"

At last her eyes locked on his and he was unable to look away.

" I have loved you for fifteen years – no-one else has had a chance, try as they might. I have followed you whenever you called me, let you build me up and then knock me down. My chance for children has been and gone, whether I wanted them or not – and you dared to ask me if I knew how to love – believed that my love could not be deep enough if I hadn't become a parent. Well Toby, I've seen your children, held your children, and I love them more than you deserve. And God knows I love you more than you deserve." 

Toby still couldn't look away from the azure beam she held him in.

CJ paused to draw breath. "But I don't know if you love me. I don't know if you love me enough to risk the teasing, the mockery, the snide remarks, the gutter journalism, the chance you might lose your job. And that's okay – you are a fine man and a good man. You do huge amounts to make this world a better place and I would never ask you to give that up. But don't you dare say that I don't know how to love as much as you. Because I would risk it all and give up everything for love of you.   I just have."

Now she tore her gaze away. " And there has been no other man in my life that has ever made me feel that like that. Simon? No. Unhappy? The events of two weeks ago with Zoey? No. The President standing down? No. That's not what's got me crying. You doubting me has made me cry."

A shocked silence. Toby forgot how to breathe.

"And I'd like you to go now. Please."

CJ walked over to the window and stared down onto the quiet street below. 

"I'll pick you up in the morning." His quiet voice.

And she heard the door click shut.

Tbc


	3. part three

Part 3 of 'Who's Fooling Whom?'

Disclaimers and notes in Part 1

*

Toby had lain awake all night, words whirling round his mind like a mantra; 'how could I have been so blind, how could I have been so blind. . .' Now, in his car on the way to collect CJ from her apartment, his befuddled brain struggled to make sense of the previous evening, and his battered heart leaked springs of sudden emotion. He was clueless about what to do next and he hated it.

"Morning," She was waiting for him on the steps, cell phone in hand. She looked shattered.

"Morning."  

"Wasn't sure if you would turn up. I was just about to call a cab." She shut the car door, fastened her belt and wedged her briefcase between her ankles. "Look, Toby . . ."

"No, CJ. You've said enough. I'm too tired to think." Toby pulled away from the curb and joined the heavy traffic. They traveled the rest of the way in silence.

The car parked, Toby let CJ walk in front of him through the lobby. Suddenly, she turned to face him.

"I think maybe I need to review my position here. Consider this a heads up."

Toby froze. He watched her pick up speed, brushing past Josh without a word of greeting.

"Hey, Toby . . . what was that about? CJ looks like her world's fallen apart . . ." Josh caught hold of Toby's arm.

"Maybe that's because she thinks it has." Toby noticed Josh staring at him. "I said she THINKS it has." And he pulled away, hurrying to his office.

*

Josh knocked on the door frame of Leo's office.

"You wanted to see me?"

Leo walked round his desk to talk to him. "Josh, the President has asked for the senior staff and assistants to gather in the residence this evening. I know when I suggested a poker game that CJ had a problem with tonight, but could you let everyone know that their attendance isn't optional."

"Leo – I 'm worried about CJ."

Leo looked hard at him and paused. "Toby's dealing with it."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes!" Leo sighed with increasing frustration.

"Then things don't look too good." Josh ran his hand through his hair and pondered filling Leo in on that morning's encounter.

"Toby will come through. Don't worry about it."  Leo walked back to his desk, 

effectively dismissing the younger man.

Josh frowned, but decided to let the issue drop, at least for the moment. "Fine - I'll spread the word about the meeting."

*

"I know that I asked you all here tonight with very little notice, and I understand that some of you may have been inconvenienced as a result." Jed Bartlet paused and looked at the array of faces spread before him. He had resumed his office after a very harrowing few days. A few days where his sanity and his health had hung in the balance, and when the drama had drawn to its messy, but ultimately happy, close, he had been moved in a way he never had before by the loyalty and support shown by the people in front of him. "I wanted to thank you. Thank you all for the love you have shown Abbey and I.  Love has many different forms and I think I have been fortunate in my life to have known most of them." He noted the appreciative, embarrassed, emotional expressions as he scanned the room, but his eye was caught by two important members of his senior staff; one looking as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders but with a focused and determined set to his jaw; the other leaning against the wall, the most loved and respected member of his team, despair and hopelessness etched large on her face and in the slump of her shoulders. He continued, "And to my mind, the most powerful love of all is the love that is expressed with true sincerity and passion, selflessly and purely. That is what you have shown me and my family. And that is what I offer humbly back to you."

Murmurs of appreciation and thanks filled the room. Leo watched his President with pride and then turned his head sharply as a voice cut through the hubbub.

"Mr. President, I would be grateful if you would allow me to say a few words." Toby stood tall amongst the crowd, his eyes straying to the unhappy woman in the corner of the room. He continued at the President's nod of consent.

"Two weeks ago, Sir, I stood in the Oval office and told you that the people in that room would rather die than let you down. I believed that to be true then, I believe it to be true now and I extend that thought to cover everyone standing in this room." 

Toby turned slowly to encompass everyone in the intensity of his gaze, until his eyes fixed on CJ.

"But there is someone here who needs to hear something more. Someone who needs me to direct those words at them. They need to hear that I have been a fool to myself, that I have let them down in the past, but that I would rather die than let them down again. There is something I should have done fifteen years ago. Something that would have changed my life for the better and made me a better man, a happier man. But I'm going to do it now and I don't believe I could find a finer group of people to witness it."

Toby walked slowly over to CJ, took her head in his hands and pressed his lips to hers. 

"Do you hear me now? Do you see me now? Do you believe me now?" He broke the kiss and breathed into her ear. "I love you too."

CJ's tear-filled eyes darted over towards the President and her voice cracked, "With your permission, Sir?"

"Yes, CJ. You and Toby are excused." The President's eyes twinkled with delight at 

the unexpected turn of events.

The whole room watched them leave hand-in-hand.

Leo chuckled and turned to Josh, "Toby handled the problem.  I told you he would. It was guaranteed, a mortal lock.  Next time I tell you something, you should just trust

that I know best."

A grinning Josh started to argue, but was interrupted by the Commander-in-Chief.

"Right everybody," the President addressed his friends, "the champagne is open. I believe we have more than one reason to celebrate. Here's to love – in all its forms."

The End


End file.
